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Day 86 May 7 2013

Albert Bridge

This morning I went into clinic extremely excited. Louie was so nervous he thought he’d throw up. Ivana congratulated me on how well I’d done and then told me that I’ve have to be good for another 3 months as I’ve been on a placebo.

At first I thought it was 2006 all over again and she was telling me it hadn’t worked. I hadn’t considered this as a possibility. I’ve been entirely focused on getting passed today and recovering. And I’m totally f*** off and demoralised that I’ve got to start all over again…tomorrow…

After I’d taken in what Ivana had said I asked her why I’ve had such bad headaches etc. She said it could be an additive in the placebo pills. Louie thinks I’m always this ill but I’ve been examining it daily and thinking about how I feel. Charles Gore said that I’d placed so much importance on going clear that the stress being of even thinking I’m on treatment would make me ill.

It’s like telling someone they’ve got a one in four chance of winning the lottery.

This is what I think; I’ve put so much into this treatment, I feel battered. I don’t want to hear the positive side of anything because I want to digest how shit I feel right now before I regroup. I’ve felt ill every day for so many years now and I was looking forward to not feeling ill any more. I’m fed up that I’ll be on treatment in Ibiza and it’s hard work there. I’m fed up that this will eat into the holiday I’ve got planned with my family. I’m fed up that I can’t switch off the bloody 6.45am alarm. I’m fed up I’ve been pigging out on fat for nothing. I’m fed up, I’m fed up and I’m fed up full stop.

Ivana told Louie that two people had come off a trial at Kings because their side effects were so bad. It turned out that they were on a placebo. It’s powerful stuff.

Today’s pic is Albert Bridge from Battersea Park. I had a picnic there yesterday (in the park not on the bridge) and I was in such a good mood. I shouted that last bit by the way!

3 comments

Rating: 5/5Hang on
Hi Gemma felt so sad when I read this yesterday!! and had to think about what to say to you apart from sorry!!. Only people like ourselves can know what a really hard treatment this is... will you now go on Telaprevir, Interferon and Ribavirin?? This Friday I start week 10 of this triple treatment, I hope you can find the strength to start again and continue to write your diary.....x x
Linda from Bedfordshire, 09 May 2013 10:55
Rating: 3/5Sorry Gemma
Hi Gemma, I am truly sorry to hear your news, it must be very tough for you and I can fully understand your dissapointment and frustration. Please keep going and take some heart from the fact that the next time you will definately be on the proper treatment and will have an excellent chance of a cure. Hang on in there Gemma.
Lots of love
John
xxx
John from Liverpool, 09 May 2013 08:31
Rating: 5/5Take care
Gemma, I really feel for you and I'm sorry. I have been reading your blog religiously. I am on treatment myself but it will be 31 weeks or so of triple therapy....so I've been finding out just how tough treatment is myself.
I think it will be extremely hard for you or anyone to start again for another three months especially after the huge shock you've just had, but I hope you are able to do so. Maybe the sides will not be as bad for the "real drugs". It's the psyching yourself up to go through it again that must be unbelievably stressful.
Take care x
Samya from London, 07 May 2013 20:43